


An Off-Feeling

by CravingCraze



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Based on author’s experience, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Lives AU, M/M, Pining, Pining Evan Hansen, Trans Evan, just pining sorry, pining connor murphy (if you squint), sleepover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21806782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CravingCraze/pseuds/CravingCraze
Summary: At first, Evan didn't make a big deal out of it. It wasn't a big deal, really. It was just change, and even though change was scary, it'd be okay, because it was just Connor, who was sweet and understanding. Connor, who just wanted to have a nice time with him. Their sleepovers were usually nice and chill, so it wouldn't be a big deal, right?Yeah no, he was wrong.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 72





	An Off-Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Me??? Writing trans Evan whenever possible??? It's more likely than you think.
> 
> This is based off of my own experiences so I hope you enjoy!

The Murphy household wasn't exactly paradise. Well, according to what Connor says, at least. That was why he and Evan always settled to stay at his house, as it was more quiet, peaceful, and in general, comfortable.

At first, when Evan brought Connor over for the first time, he felt self conscious about it. He'd never had been _ashamed_ of his house, because he'd only seen it as such. It was where he grew up, spent most of his time at, and _hid_ many things he didn't want Connor to find or see.

Like childhood pictures. Heidi still had pictures hanging from when he was just a little kid, but that was _far before_ he even started transitioning. Evan understood the sentimental value, he really did, it was just inconvenient to turn them around, put them away, and set them back up when he wasn't out to Connor.

Since Heidi wasn't around much, their house was a bit messy. Evan tried not to let stuff build up, but he procrastinated a lot, and sometimes he was just clueless on cleaning and needed to wait for Heidi to help him. His room was somewhat tidy, because he didn't really _go out_ and collect stuff, but he still had more than enough clothes than he knew what to do with.

The final factor however, was the size. Even from outside, it looked _huge_ , much bigger than his own. When he went inside it, the walls rose above him, thick hallways making travel easy and assessable. They had a basement that apparently was filled with workout equipment that Connor apparently _used_ on bad days. Their dining room and kitchen were separated, having a doorway for usage. In the living room, it was filled with furniture Evan knew none of the Murphy's used enough, paintings and family portraits hung proudly on the wall. Outside was a ginormous, magneficent garden, filled with a variety of flowers and plants. Evan loved that garden. The upstairs area had far too many rooms than the Murphy's knew what to do with, as they've said themselves.

So yeah, it was a big house. Evan's just had the ground floor, all connected living room, dining room, and kitchen, with a small bathroom, among with a small set of stairs that lead to his bedroom, Heidi's bedroom, and another bathroom. That was it. That was all they had.

Connor liked his house. He said it was nice to have empty space filled, less space to worry about, and in general the comfortableness it brought. Connor explained that his house felt like a trophy. All it was good for was showing off and filling space.

But with Evan's house, he argued it was like a sovienor. Always bringing back memories from the past to look upon proudly of, to be happy about, and to feel homey. But recently, he admitted he started to feel just _a little_ more comfortable there when things started changing (like when he went on medication, for instance).

And while Connor drove him back home at _eleven at night_ , Evan knew he was just trying to protect him, specifically from whatever nasty fight would break out in that household. After their first fight, Evan explained that he hated fighting, simply because of what happened with his parents. They would _always_ fight, and it put a large dent on both their relationship and friendship. The only time Heidi ever brought up Mark was if he was asking her if he could come down to Colorado to visit. Aside from that, they didn't talk anymore. And with some _very strong feelings_ Evan had been developing for the latter for quite a while, he was _not_ willing to say anything about it, especially with what his parents went through.

So it was a bit of a surprise when Connor asked him if he wanted to sleep over.

"It's just cause no one else will be around," he'd said sheepishly, "so we won't have to worry about my family fighting. Plus we _always_ sleep over at your place, and I just... I want you to be comfortable there, like I am with yours."

At first, Evan didn't make a big deal out of it. It _wasn't_ a big deal, really. It was just change, and even though change was scary, it'd be okay, because it was just Connor, who was sweet and understanding. Connor, who just wanted to have a nice time with him. Their sleepovers were usually nice and chill, so it wouldn't be a big deal, right?

Yeah no, he was wrong.

The second Evan entered Connor's house, duffel bag in hand, he felt his stomach twist and turn for no reason whatsoever. Even though Connor was just talking to him about stuff they could do, like play board games, mess around on his Xbox 1, or just do whatever Evan wanted. Which was nice, and caused a momentarily distraction.

But then he _had_ to bring up sleeping arrangements.

Connor explained that he could either take his bed for the night, or that they could share. Which wasn't something that was uncommon by this point, as they _always_ slept together on Evan's bed, with a respectable pillow wall to block one another off.

Unfortunately, the pillow wall almost always came crashing down.

It was pretty much guaranteed that Evan would find them both huddled up to the center of the bed, varying from their backs pressed against one another's, to Evan finding himself laying half on-top of Connor. Evan still worried about Connor waking up and ruining the moment (he liked watching Connor sleep, because that's when he's the most at peace), but if he did, Connor was groggy along with confused, so he'd just pull Evan closer and fall back asleep.

Still, Evan agreed to sleep with him, because he knew they'd end up cuddling, and in that moment, it didn't sound like a bad idea _at all_.

Up the set of stairs the duo went, and into Connor's room. It was bigger than Evan's, but usually had clothes scattered on the ground, sketchbooks laid out on his desk, and his laptop laying on his twin sized bed. Only this time, it seemed Connor's small bed had been upgraded to a queen size, and it looked relatively clean. If Evan didn't know any better, he'd say Connor cleaned to impress him.

"Take a seat wherever," Connor shut the door behind Evan. "I was thinking of putting Rocket League on to play."

Ironically, both pairs of the duo had the game. It was one they liked, mainly to laugh at how bad they were at it.

"Sure," Evan tentatively sat on his bed, not wanting to ruffle the sheets.

Despite this, it didn't help the unsettlement Evan had residing in his chest. It was like his stomach and heart was playing tug of war, causing immense discomfort. The fact that Connor was sitting on the ground while playing certainly didn't help, and he didn't really know why. He could easily just slid down and onto the ground to join him, but would that be weird? Would Connor think he didn't like his bed? Would he think he was being too _forward_?

Yeesh, did Connor freak out this much when _he_ spent the night?

"Hey," Connor hit Evan's knee, but in a weird, affectionate kind of way, to grab his attention. "You want something to eat?"

"Um, like what?" Evan set his controller aside to give him his attention.

"Like ordering out? We can get some Chinese, Dominos, stuff like that," finally, Connor took the opportunity to sit on the bed next to him.

"If it's okay to," Evan feebly said. He didn't want Connor to go out of his way to get food.

Connor gave him this sweet, comforting smile that made Evan remind himself _not to do anything stupid_ , because it left him swooning. "I don't mind ordering stuff. Kinda makes it more fun. We always ordered stuff when we did this at your place."

Evan was tempted to argue that they didn't really have a lot to eat there, anyways, but resisted the urge. "Er— I'm fine with anything."

"Well I better not hear any complaining about what I get," Connor teased him, poking his ribs and hooking an arm around his shoulders.

Although he wouldn't admit it, Evan liked physical contact, especially with Connor, but it was weird, right? Friends weren't supposed to be super cuddly, but yet _they were_. And yeah, he knew there was the exception where it could be platonic and friendly, but since Evan _liked him_ they _couldn't_ be like that. There was no way he had _any_ sort of chance with Connor.

He flashed a shy smile at him, "I won't. You— you know I'm not p-picky."

"And thank god for that," he shook him slightly, before letting go of him and standing up.

They migrated downstairs and camped out in the living room as they waited for a cheese pizza Connor ordered to arrive. Despite Connor occupying Evan with whatever _'totally not-scary'_ horror film, Evan still felt uneasy. Maybe it was because of the dramatic jump scares in the movie, or the ever so prominent emptiness the large house brought about.

About halfway through the movie, after the pizza was delivered, and both had eaten a couple of slices, Connor _finally_ noticed Evan's discomfort for the movie.

He could tell the question _'why didn't you tell me you were actually scared?'_ lingered on his lips, but Connor knew Evan didn't always speak his mind. So, he simply said, "Sorry, I.. I didn't think it'd scare you. Let's find something else."

Connor ended up putting on _The Emperor's New Groove_ , after learning Evan had never seen it. He kept an arm around Evan at all times throughout the movie, making sure he felt safe.

Which well, he didn't. Evan didn't know why, but he didn't feel safe. He couldn't put his finger on it, but there was a specific reason as to why he was just _so uncomfortable_. Evan was almost positively sure it wasn't the movie that was causing this. It was just a movie (even if it did make him feel uneasy).

The remaining slices of pizza were stored in the fridge for the next day, where Connor insisted he took it home so he wouldn't have to worry about ordering for a little while.

Sometimes Evan could only wonder how he ended up by Connor Murphy's side. Sometimes he wished for more with him, but that was being greedy, right? Connor already put up with him as it was, and he would _not_ like him like that.

Unfortunately, Evan's discomfort for the house didn't seem to disappear as he'd hoped, but rather kept getting worse and worse. No matter the distractions he had, it always lingered in the back of his mind. It wasn't even a _direct thought_ , but just the feeling of unease, that wouldn't release its grip on Evan. As they played truth or dare, tried to learn various card games, or even just watch tv, the feeling was a relentless toll on Evan. As further as the night progressed, the more Evan wished he could be home in his bed, where he actually felt _okay_.

Just before Connor was about to shower, he finally addressed the elephant in the room. "You aren't having a good time, are you?"

That wasn't the _complete_ truth, because deep down, yeah, he was having a good time. A great time, actually, even if it didn't seem like it. "No— I... I am."

It was obvious that was _not_ what Connor though, as he turned his head and hugged his arms. "You don't have to lie, you know. I thought we established that."

"No!" Evan was suddenly loud, and it made Connor jump in surprise. "It's not that. I really am having a— a nice time, it's just..."

Connor gazed at him kind of sadly, "... Just what?"

"I don't feel _okay_. This usually doesn't happen when we're at my house, a-and I feel like I'm gonna vomit, and I don't know what's wrong—" Evan cut himself off, feeling tears prickle in his eyes. No. There was _no way_ he was crying in front of Connor.

But suddenly he was in front of him, cold hands holding onto his sweaty ones in comparison, "Hey hey, it's okay if you're not okay. Maybe... maybe you need a little bit of your house over here?"

Evan shrugged feebly, not knowing what that really meant.

Connor stood, and was grabbing things from his room. He held a notebook, earbuds, and was gather a large, fluffy blanket in his arms. He gently coaxed Evan under the covers, and let him burry himself under them, placing a teddy bear by his side, gently setting the notebook and pencil on his lap, and plugged in his headphones to his phone so a certain playlist would start to play.

"There. No white noise, just you, your poetry, and a cuddly pal to keep you company," Connor smiled sweetly. "I'll be in later. I'm gonna shower, but knock if you need anything."

Surprisingly, all of this helped a lot, despite the persistent worry in his chest. Evan supposed he just needed time to get used to Connor's house, as it was still a big, unknown mystery to him.

And when Connor came in later, asking if he needed to take off his binder, which he responded with a laugh _"No, I actually got my top surgery weeks ago"_ , and was left with him demanding answers to how it went, how he was feeling, _all_ of that, he knew he'd make it through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah yeah I know. They didn’t get together in the end. Well that just didn’t feel appropriate for this story. I couldn’t think of a proper point where it’d be okay for it and decided “fuck it. This is fine.” 
> 
> I probably won’t continue this and just let this be a stand alone. 
> 
> Did that happen to anyone else?? I’m fine literally anywhere else, but my friend’s house is big and in the middle of nowhere and it always made me hella anxious. The ending was based around when when my friends let me take a break and write fanfiction lmao (it did help, strangely enough).
> 
> Whelp, I’m done rambling. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
